Insomnia.

It’s 2 in the morning, and for the fourth or fifth night in a row, I am awake almost until my siblings will awaken for the 4 AM mass. I can’t say for certain what causes this—maybe it’s the sugar high that the freshly arrived Christmas cookies have caused, maybe it’s the red wine (although it should have the opposite effect), maybe it’s the fact that I have the day off tomorrow and I am so excited by all the possibilities, maybe the continuous muscle twitching in my right arm and back are not letting my mind rest either, maybe the book I’m reading is causing too many thoughts to wander about, maybe I’ve just realized that I have no clue what I will do for my Master’s degree project, or maybe I am considering all of the possibilities for my life after Peace Corps (because although it’s premature, it’s a normal thought process). I guess no matter what the cause, my mind is not resting. Even on the nights where I do get to sleep, I am usually awake at about 5:30 or 6:00 AM from a weird dream (not malaria related), only to struggle to get back to sleep and then struggle again to wake up later in the morning. I’m not exactly too worried about this, because I’m in the Peace Corps, and apparently the Peace Corps has been known to stir up a few thoughts in the minds of volunteers once in a while.

NOTE: Regarding previous post’s theory about the invisible pimples being due to lack of sleep, it is still proven untrue because of the fact that there is a lack of pimples as evidence.

Back to the point. What am I doing here? Well, I’m learning about myself and the world through cross-cultural, social, academic, professional, economic, political, etc. frameworks. I’m creating my experience. One other main portion of what I’m doing here relates to the professional project for my Master’s. Well, right now I’m super lost. “Super lost”, in case you’re wondering, is a highly sophisticated academic term that is used only when someone has no clue what they are doing. Basically, I came with the understanding that something will present itself in some way to me at some point during the next two years so that I will say, “Bingo. That’s what I’ll do for my project.” Well, obviously I’m only about a month and a half into being at site, and I am not expecting for anything to be clear at the moment. At the same time, though, I feel lost as far as even a topic to narrow in on or a type of media to use. I feel ill-prepared to do any sort of in-depth or long-term research project, and I would have no clue how to even go about getting approval on the sorts if it were so decided. I also feel ill-prepared to use my creativity (creativity!?!?) towards completing a non-traditional, academic project that will be mentally stimulating, professionally challenging, and beneficial to the community I am working with. Ha, actually most of the time, I am left wondering where my creativity has disappeared to in the first place. Not only this, but I feel like I have a slight interest in so many topics here that relate to children that it is extremely difficult to narrow in on just one. Think of any topic possible that you could ever research, place them all on a Venn diagram, and stick me in the middle of all the circles…that’s how vague I feel at the moment. Oh, the possibilities.

Now, really, the insomnia extends beyond just that of course, but that’s what’s been stirring through my mind between 11:30 and 2:00, minus the time I spent reading my current book - “Long Walk to Freedom: the Autobiography of Nelson Mandela”, doing deep breathing to try to convince my mind that it’s tired, trying to figure out the strange sounds outside my window, and trying to decide which movie to watch so that at least if I can’t sleep, I’ll be entertained. Oh, thank you Peace Corps for placing me somewhere with electricity. Although maybe it encourages my insomnia, it keeps my mind sane.

Peace.