Looking UP

Yes, I know the last few posts have been a bit depressing, so it might make you a little happier to know that I have been feeling better. First of all, the sun has been shining here (even if it was, yes, 27 degrees this morning), so that helps immensely! Even on the days that have been rainy, I think I have just come to accept that fall and winter are here and that's just the way it is! I've gotten through 23 winters in Wisconsin...so one winter in Montana should be just fine!

The big celebration of Halloween is this weekend, and for the first time in about 22 years, I will not be dressing up. Yikes! I know, how shocking. But, the thing is, I just don't feel like it. I have not felt too creative, and whatever money I spend on a costume takes money away from much more important things (such as laundry, a pack of M&M's, or a Kettlehouse brew on Thursday nights). So, tonight I will be missing Becca's Halloween party (sorry, Becca) and chilling out while watching American Beauty (for our counseling class) and eating homemade stew. Sounds like fun.

I am also very excited to get to register for my courses next semester on Monday - YAY! I absolutely love school and knowledge, so the idea of new classes to take intices me greatly. Here is my proposed course of study next semester: Intercultural Aspects of Human Development II, Critical Issues in Helping, Addressing White Racism (Wintersession course), Counseling Children and Adolescents, International Health, Social Work in a Global Context, and Photojournalism. So great! It will be a LOT of work...18 graduate credits, but hey, it can be done.

Last Monday, we also had a cohort meeting to discuss the possibilities for our final projects, whether we would like to write a thesis, do a professional project, or compile a portfolio. Well, I am not really into the portfolio option, as I already have one created, and I do not feel as if it would be too challenging. I would really, really prefer to write a thesis (design my own research project, carry it out, and write about it), but the complications with the IRB (Internal Review Board....a committee that all research regarding human subjects has to go through) and international projects is apparently overwhelming. Uhhhh, discouraging! But, I have done some research on other thesis or research projects that have been done in the Peace Corps, and have found one to kind of model after. But, I wonder if it will pass IRB... When discussing this with my advisor, she said that if I really wanted to do a thesis (which I do!), then that is what I should pursue. I guess there is nothing wrong with a project starting as a thesis and then becoming a professional project if need be (darn IRB!). So, (yay!) at least that is a bit encouraging, as I have wanted to do a thesis all along.

And on another happy note, I have plans to have a birthday party! While I was stressing out about where to have it (my apartment is not conducive to social gatherings) and what to do for it, I discovered that my friend Rick's birthday is only five days after mine. Alas, we will have a joint party (in collaboration with Rick's dog, Doka, whose birthday is on Nov. 24)! Since they have a great house that is situated on a mountain, perfect for sunset viewing, that will be our venue. We may possibly even have live music too! Wow, so much fun. We have already found a Cake-baking coordinator and a Decorations coordinator as well...so all goes well! And, it will be held actually on my birthday too. How fun! I wish you all could be there...and yes, you are invited if you would like to make the trip. No pressure though.

Anyways, I have got to run...and hopefully I will be eating stew within the next couple hours!

Peace, Love.

Hard Week

I have been trying to get to sleep but just cannot - darn it! This week has been especially hard for two reasons. Fortunately, it is looking up and I am feeling a little better. But, I just thought I would update my blog and let you know how I'm doing.

First, today my family got together to celebrate my wonderful grandparents' 55th wedding anniversary. What an amazing couple to look up to. They have both lived extraordinary lives and definitely have something to show for it. They have always been there for me in such a special way. I was really sad to not be there today to celebrate with them, but unfortunately, that is the direction my life is headed. I was able to call during the celebration and talk to both of them on the phone, which was the best alternative. G-ma and G-pa, I really wish I could've been there, but CONGRATULATIONS!!! My thoughts were and are with you always.

What a great looking couple!

Anyways, secondly, the weather here has been bringing me down. It has been gray, gray, gray, and COLD. Although it is still beautiful when I look around (the mountains are typically covered in snow), the sky is just not promising. It has also been raining the past few days, which is a downer. That's life. Friday, I had to force myself to go socialize simply because I knew it would make me feel better. Today, I made myself go to the gym because I have been slacking in that area. It drives me crazy that I have to force myself to engage in activities that I actually normally enjoy doing. Fortunately, I felt better both after hanging out with people and after working out. It's just getting there is the issue. Also, I am feeling better after buying a nice, new pair of gloves that will no longer leave my fingers numb or soaked after a bike ride to school. In addition, the legwarmers (yes, straight out of the 1980's) should help keep my cold legs warm as well.

So, yes...gray weather sucks. But, I'm learning to deal. It's just amazing how much it can affect someone's mood or willingness to do something. That's life.

Sorry for the downer post. Peace.

Oh, also...something to look forward to - Alison will be here one month from tomorrow, on Thanksgiving! How fantastic....I keep dreaming about this spinach lasagna that I am going to make for dinner. Yum.

Medical Clearance

Guess what? This morning I woke up and checked my e-mail, and I received an e-mail from the Peace Corps letting me know about my "Application Status Update". So, I clicked on the link wondering, "What could they possibly have updated about my status? They couldn't possibly have gone through my medical information yet". On the contrary, I discovered that under medical, it said:

Complete. Peace Corps has completed your medical review. There are no medical holds on your account at this time.

So, I think this means I have medical clearance. Yes, I HAVE MEDICAL CLEARANCE!!!! After all the paperwork, tests, more tests, more paperwork, personal statements, more tests, more personal statements...yes, I think it's done! How cool. What a great start to my day.

Peace.

More Missoula Pictures

Here are some more pictures from a few random events from this fall - all courtesy of Lindsay Theo (I cannot take the credit for these). She is very intelligent and knows to bring her camera to all events (plus, she is a photographer....have an event? Call Lindsay). There's her plug! Anyways, these are pictures from playing frisbee, from Rattlestock a few weeks ago, and working on our grant.

The Grant

Celebrating being "done" with the grant...

Rattlestock!!!

Becca's Potluck

Beautiful Weather = Frisbee in the Park

Leaf Walk

These pictures are from a walk I took today with Julia, Laura, and Woody (Laura's new puppy) around Missoula. Fall here is amazing...as you can tell by the pictures. However, these don't fully do the season justice, but it's just a peak. This last picture (above) was taken from my bedroom window - this is what I wake up to every day. How can life not be wonderful?

Sick as a Puppy

So, my lack of blogging has been for two reasons: 1) I have been sick as a puppy, and 2) Because I have been sick, I have been sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. Well, I have been sleeping except for the times when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like an insomniac because I can't sleep nor breathe. But, that's besides the point. Saturday morning, we started our training by saying how we felt - my intro was, "Well, I'm fighting off a cold with tons of Vitamin C and tea, but other than that, I'm GREAT". About six other people in the room actually had that horrible cold I was trying to fight off, and therefore, Sunday morning I was no longer fighting, but rather, I actually had the infamous cold that has been travelling around Missoula.

The first thing I did on Sunday morning (besides putting on a hat and some deodorant...with three-days-worn jeans) was take a trip to Shopko. Included in my purchase was a teakettle, a box of tea, two bags of cough drops, a box of Kleenex, and a box of Pop-Tarts (because I decided I deserved a special treat). The one I am most excited about is the TEAKETTLE. How sophisticated!!! I never grew up drinking tea...in fact, I never really drank much tea before I moved here (besides Chai Lattes, which don't really count...). Well, since the purchase of my tea kettle, I have been enjoying a nice travel-mug (compliments of Scott and Kim, it has my name on it - thank you) full of varieties of tea each day. The travel mug even fits into my water-bottle holder on my bike. How cool! Although the teakettle is slightly baffling in that I really try to get to the water before the whistle. Why wait until the whistle? If I wait until the whistle, it is a battle between either burning the tongue horribly or waiting too long to let the water cool off that I have to drink cold tea for the rest of the day. Which, I guess, is not the end of the world. Anyways, my point was that I now am the proud owner of a teakettle, and oh do I feel sophisticated. And PS, tea is now my source of caffeine, since I officially gave up soda about three weeks ago. And I've survived!!!

Let's see...the rest of the week. Sunday was spent being sick. Monday, I received my first Counseling Theories midterm back and did pretty darn well, if I do say so myself. I also received my first paper back in the class...30/30, not bad. Well, except that doesn't leave much room for improvement!

Tuesday...I finally finally have my last paperwork sent into the Peace Corps (I know, you are saying, "yeah right"). Well, cross your fingers. I hope that I have the last medical forms sent in.

Today, we had our second session of our GUTS! group, which was awesome. The second session is for working on the girls' strengths, and Willa came up with the idea of using leaves somehow to do this (since the trees are SO beautiful right now in Missoula...I wish I had my camera with me every time I am out). So, we came up with the idea to have each girl make their own "Strength Tree". We went outside to gather leaves and did an "up-down" activity where we listed off different strengths that girls might have. If they thought they had that one, they would stand up...or sit down for vice versa. Anyways, so we went inside and used glue, paper, fun, fun, fun to make our strenth trees. They turned out pretty awesome.

After, I had another 4-hour session of YWCA training...we focused on domestic violence, the cycle of violence (observing tension as a kid and replaying it in your own life as an adult), and handling crisis calls on the crisis line. Honestly, answering the crisis line makes me a bit nervous. What if I say the wrong thing? What if what I say causes someone to be in more danger than they already are? What if it doesn't end well? What if....what if...what if? I know, the "what if" questions are not good to ask, but hopefully the rest of the training will prepare me for this. Everyone else seems to be just as nervous as I, so I guess this is good.

Well, I am going to go to bed with some Vicks Vapo-Rub, Kleenex, and a heating pad for my neck muscles. Boo to being sick. Tomorrow, I have two presentations - fun.

Peace.

Oh yes, PS I have officially bought my train ticket to Wisconsin for Christmas (YAY!) and will be in WI Dec 18-Jan 6. See you then!

Empowered

Tonight, I started training at the YWCA to be trained as a children's advocate at their Pathways Shelter. With this, I will receive the full advocate training that includes learning how to work with battered women and children, sexual assault victims and survivors, and discriminated groups. The training tonight was led by NCBI Missoula, which stands for "National Coalition Building Institute". Their mission is:

"The NCBI of Missoula is dedicated to moving individuals, communities, and organizations toward a just and inclusive society. We provide training to reduce prejudice, prevent violence, and resolve conflict, while identifying and implementing strategies to strengthen communities and institutions" (www.ncbimissoula.org).

Their training was inspiring. We started by identifying ourselves with the groups within society that we belong to. For example, I identified myself as being the youngest child, being born in the midwest, being of German descent, being from a family of "more than enough resources", etc. Because of the nature of the training, we went deeper. I identified that I have a family member or am close friends with someone from the LGBT community. I said that I have a family member or am close friends with someone who was or is in an abusive relationship. I said that I have a family member or am close friends with someone who has been sexually assaulted. When identifying "hidden disabilities", such as asthma, mental illness, anxiety, etc., I stood up and said that I had a hidden disability. We discussed hidden lifestyles - those things about us that we don't necessarily talk about and that people can not tell about me just from looking at me. I said, "Yes" I have a hidden lifestyle. The floor was open to say what our hidden lifestyles were. People mentioned, "child of an alcoholic", "mental illness in my family", "drug abuse in my family", etc. I summoned up the courage to say, "I am a sexual assault survivor." Wow. It was out there...in a room of about 25 people who I didn't know. My voice was shaky and my hands were clammy. I said it, though. Some of you may have known, some of you may not have. Yes, I am a survivor.

This is something that I've been struggling with for the past two years. Yes, I utilized services. I went to counseling. I thought about joining a group, but never did, always with the mindset that, "I'd be okay. I'm strong. I can get through this." One thing I've learned is that this is very much a healing process. The healing continues for a long time - sometimes there are good days, sometimes bad. I want to give you an idea of some of the feelings of survivors. Dialogue and talking about experiences is truly a healing process, and dialogue is the only way to change societal stigmas and beliefs. There is not a day that goes by where I do not have a flashback or serious thoughts about my experience. With that said, there is usually not even an hour that goes by where I do not think of it. Many days, I have thoughts or memories every couple minutes. They plague my mind. The only time where I am free from these memories is when I am sleeping. I feel especially anxious in social situations, specifically involving men. I have not had a "close" male friend in over two years. My self-efficacy is extremely low in believing that I am capable of having a decent friendship or relationship with anyone male. Sometimes, I am just downright mean to people, specifically males. I use my past experiences to mold my present interactions with people. Yes, I know that this isn't healthy. But, it's what I do. It's how I've learned to cope. These are the experiences and beliefs that I have come to know because of my experiences.

There are things that help. Telling my story helps me to process my memory and it helps to tell others that this can happen to them. Having people to listen helps. In the next part of our training, we got into caucus groups where we could identify ourselves and speak for the group. Because of the nature of this training, I thought it would be beneficial for others to hear from a survivors group. We had two questions to answer. After meeting with two other women who are strong survivors, we presented our views in front of the group. I was the speaker. My voice was shaky. I was trying to catch tears that desperately wanted to come out of my eyes. I had to quiet my physical reactions before moving onto the next point. There were a lot of pregnant pauses. But, I stood proud and unashamed, showed my feelings to the world, and got through it. It was empowering. These are the questions and answers that we came up with:

1. What do you never again want people to say, think, or do toward your group?

• "It's your fault." / "You deserved it."
• "What did you do wrong?"
• "Are you sure you're remembering right?"
• "Move on." / "Get over it."
• "What are you doing to fix it?"
• "It's been _____ years....aren't you over it yet?"

2. What can others do to demonstrate that you are valued and welcome?

• Recognize my experience and understand it's a part of me.
• Respect that it happened to me; don't blame me.
• Don't be afraid to talk about it.
• Don't make me "move on" faster than I can.
• Understand that I can have bad days...and good days.
• Give me my time - Respect me and my time to heal.
• Respect my privacy.
• Respect my emotions.

So, that's it. I think most people who knew about my experience see me thriving as a young woman - academically and professionally. They see that I get good grades, I am responsible, I am energetic and have charisma, I can speak in front of people, etc. Therefore, people assume that I have "moved on" or am completely over my experiences. No, this is not the case. I am very much still healing. I very much want to help others who have experienced similar oppression, uncertainty, disrespect, violence, etc. This is what my mission is. Many of the things I mentioned above may help you understand. This is the framework that I operate from..I don't trust the world, I often don't trust friendships and definitely don't trust relationships.

This is me. This is part of my growth. I definitely felt empowered tonight to share my story. Best of all, I actually felt like people listened. They listened. They wanted to understand and to be there. They validated my experiences and what I had to say. Not only this, but I feel comfortable talking about how my past experiences shape my current experience and situation. I was comfortable telling strangers about my healing process. I wanted to share it with my closest family and friends as well. So here it was.

This may have been tough to read. Chances are, though, what you read may be able to help you relate to someone in a similar situation, or someone who just wants someone to listen to them. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will be abused or assaulted in their lifetimes. One in four. Next time you're in public, look around. One in four.

Surprise!

SURPRISE!!! Yes, that is me with my hair chopped off, and I love it. It was sad and a bit nervewrecking to say goodbye to my long hair that I had worked so hard to grow, but I needed a change. The decision was tough, but once the appointment was made I was so ready for it! Plus, it turned out that my hairstylist was from Eagle River...so it's a pretty small world.

Today was also our first day with the GUTS! group at Washington Middle School. It's run through the Flagship Program, which is an after-school program in all the Missoula schools...it's amazing and super well-run. (Manitowoc needs one!!!). We had almost twenty girls sign up for the group, so some had to go on the waiting list, but we started the day with fourteen girls. They are sixth-eighth grade and, honestly, just awesome young women. They seem energetic, talkative, willing to try new things, creative, responsible, etc. Some of the ideas of activities that they wanted to do were rock-climbing, ice skating, skateboarding, making food, etc. So great. We started the year off right, and hopefully it continues! One thing happened that reminded me why I love working with kids so much. We were discussing guidelines of the group, in which we used the acronym "HER LAW"....Honesty, Equality, Respect, Love & Kindness, Accountability, Willing to try and to learn". Anyways, we were discussing the "Love and Kindness" portion and had already gotten to a pretty solid understanding of what kindness meant. In discussing love, one young gal mentioned, "It's what adults can make." Kim looked a bit confused for a little while, until she glanced at Willa and I. I jumped in with a, "Yes, you're right - adults can make love. But that's not the type of love we are talking about right now." Nice. Gotta love kids.

Also, (cross your fingers) the grant may be (hopefully) officially out of my lap now (we'll see). The group finished up their work last Thursday after editing extensively, so this was good. Little did I know that I would be dedicating roughly twenty hours past this to get the grant finished! From putting the appendices together to changing the formatting to filling out the electronic submission forms, it seems to never end. I just got off the phone with my professor, and (I think) I'm done. Let's hope. Tomorrow is the last day for submission - and it is out of my hands and into a University official's hands....he better get this done, or he may have several angry people picketting his office!

Tonight, Laura and I are going to watch Born Into Brothels, which is a documentary about several children who grew up in brothels in India. The creator of the piece teaches the kids how to use cameras in order to show the world through their eyes. It is an amazing movie, and I seriously recommend that you see it.

Peace,