Empowered

Tonight, I started training at the YWCA to be trained as a children's advocate at their Pathways Shelter. With this, I will receive the full advocate training that includes learning how to work with battered women and children, sexual assault victims and survivors, and discriminated groups. The training tonight was led by NCBI Missoula, which stands for "National Coalition Building Institute". Their mission is:

"The NCBI of Missoula is dedicated to moving individuals, communities, and organizations toward a just and inclusive society. We provide training to reduce prejudice, prevent violence, and resolve conflict, while identifying and implementing strategies to strengthen communities and institutions" (www.ncbimissoula.org).

Their training was inspiring. We started by identifying ourselves with the groups within society that we belong to. For example, I identified myself as being the youngest child, being born in the midwest, being of German descent, being from a family of "more than enough resources", etc. Because of the nature of the training, we went deeper. I identified that I have a family member or am close friends with someone from the LGBT community. I said that I have a family member or am close friends with someone who was or is in an abusive relationship. I said that I have a family member or am close friends with someone who has been sexually assaulted. When identifying "hidden disabilities", such as asthma, mental illness, anxiety, etc., I stood up and said that I had a hidden disability. We discussed hidden lifestyles - those things about us that we don't necessarily talk about and that people can not tell about me just from looking at me. I said, "Yes" I have a hidden lifestyle. The floor was open to say what our hidden lifestyles were. People mentioned, "child of an alcoholic", "mental illness in my family", "drug abuse in my family", etc. I summoned up the courage to say, "I am a sexual assault survivor." Wow. It was out there...in a room of about 25 people who I didn't know. My voice was shaky and my hands were clammy. I said it, though. Some of you may have known, some of you may not have. Yes, I am a survivor.

This is something that I've been struggling with for the past two years. Yes, I utilized services. I went to counseling. I thought about joining a group, but never did, always with the mindset that, "I'd be okay. I'm strong. I can get through this." One thing I've learned is that this is very much a healing process. The healing continues for a long time - sometimes there are good days, sometimes bad. I want to give you an idea of some of the feelings of survivors. Dialogue and talking about experiences is truly a healing process, and dialogue is the only way to change societal stigmas and beliefs. There is not a day that goes by where I do not have a flashback or serious thoughts about my experience. With that said, there is usually not even an hour that goes by where I do not think of it. Many days, I have thoughts or memories every couple minutes. They plague my mind. The only time where I am free from these memories is when I am sleeping. I feel especially anxious in social situations, specifically involving men. I have not had a "close" male friend in over two years. My self-efficacy is extremely low in believing that I am capable of having a decent friendship or relationship with anyone male. Sometimes, I am just downright mean to people, specifically males. I use my past experiences to mold my present interactions with people. Yes, I know that this isn't healthy. But, it's what I do. It's how I've learned to cope. These are the experiences and beliefs that I have come to know because of my experiences.

There are things that help. Telling my story helps me to process my memory and it helps to tell others that this can happen to them. Having people to listen helps. In the next part of our training, we got into caucus groups where we could identify ourselves and speak for the group. Because of the nature of this training, I thought it would be beneficial for others to hear from a survivors group. We had two questions to answer. After meeting with two other women who are strong survivors, we presented our views in front of the group. I was the speaker. My voice was shaky. I was trying to catch tears that desperately wanted to come out of my eyes. I had to quiet my physical reactions before moving onto the next point. There were a lot of pregnant pauses. But, I stood proud and unashamed, showed my feelings to the world, and got through it. It was empowering. These are the questions and answers that we came up with:

1. What do you never again want people to say, think, or do toward your group?

• "It's your fault." / "You deserved it."
• "What did you do wrong?"
• "Are you sure you're remembering right?"
• "Move on." / "Get over it."
• "What are you doing to fix it?"
• "It's been _____ years....aren't you over it yet?"

2. What can others do to demonstrate that you are valued and welcome?

• Recognize my experience and understand it's a part of me.
• Respect that it happened to me; don't blame me.
• Don't be afraid to talk about it.
• Don't make me "move on" faster than I can.
• Understand that I can have bad days...and good days.
• Give me my time - Respect me and my time to heal.
• Respect my privacy.
• Respect my emotions.

So, that's it. I think most people who knew about my experience see me thriving as a young woman - academically and professionally. They see that I get good grades, I am responsible, I am energetic and have charisma, I can speak in front of people, etc. Therefore, people assume that I have "moved on" or am completely over my experiences. No, this is not the case. I am very much still healing. I very much want to help others who have experienced similar oppression, uncertainty, disrespect, violence, etc. This is what my mission is. Many of the things I mentioned above may help you understand. This is the framework that I operate from..I don't trust the world, I often don't trust friendships and definitely don't trust relationships.

This is me. This is part of my growth. I definitely felt empowered tonight to share my story. Best of all, I actually felt like people listened. They listened. They wanted to understand and to be there. They validated my experiences and what I had to say. Not only this, but I feel comfortable talking about how my past experiences shape my current experience and situation. I was comfortable telling strangers about my healing process. I wanted to share it with my closest family and friends as well. So here it was.

This may have been tough to read. Chances are, though, what you read may be able to help you relate to someone in a similar situation, or someone who just wants someone to listen to them. Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will be abused or assaulted in their lifetimes. One in four. Next time you're in public, look around. One in four.